2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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