I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
