stop calling my apartment porn island.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
