It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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