Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
