god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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