just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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