At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
