God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
