he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
