Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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