I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
