When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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