Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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