I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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