My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
