I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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