I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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