My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
