I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
