i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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