i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
