It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
