remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
