I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
