do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
