Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
