i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
