Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
