you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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