Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
