Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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