i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
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Do I have a choice?
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Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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