Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
