I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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