I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
