Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
