I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
