He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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