Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
