The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
