literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
