You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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