ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
