Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
