If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
