Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
why is half of my head shaved?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
