Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
