I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
