You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
