your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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