There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
