He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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