just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
