I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
