It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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