I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
