If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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